Is there a day without regrets?

Did something I shouldn’t do

Cant stop thinking about it

What should I do?

Wish I could be more careful about it

Can’t turn back the clock can I?

Well, it’s just too late to regret right?

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In bewilderment

Almost half of the year has gone but I am still confused. I continuously write the date on my assignments or sign off the date as 2017 instead of 2018. There were even a couple of times I wrote 2019. What is wrong with me?!

Baby Bump

Okay, you guys might think I am lying but seriously, I dreamt that I took the same plane as Vivy Yusof and we talked. And she had a baby bump and she said she would want to name the baby after me. And then the next day, I saw the post where she revealed she was expecting. I was like what is Allah trying to say? Is she really really gonna name her baby after me? That will be freaking cool!

Well, guess what? She is not the only one having a baby bump.

I have been feeling nausea lately. I even puked at a nurse when I went to the clinic and almost fainted in the toilet twice.

I looked at myself in the mirror every day. The stomach is not the only one getting bigger and bigger but the burden on my shoulders too.  I have been taking photos of my side profile with the shirt pulled up above my stomach for the past few weeks. It wasn’t really obvious before but today, I can no longer hide it.

I have been buying new jeans almost every month. I can’t even button up my current jeans. Almost all of my tops are unwearable. I was not really worried about it before as I could hide the baby bump behind the winter jacket. But now it is already summer.

OMG, it is super hot nowadays. I feel like macam kat Singapore gitu. Oh yeah, to prepare for the summer, I have bought a portable fan so that I will not die from sweating in the student union. A handheld fan to accompany me to walk to school and home. I am now thinking of buying a stand fan but there is no space for it. Takde jodoh dengan fan. BOO HOO!

Okay, I have deviated from the main topic. Since it is currently summer and it does not make any sense for me to wear coats and jackets, everyone will know that I am expecting a child. Like I came home a few weeks ago and took the MRT. It was packed and I was leaning against the pole when someone gave up his seat for me. I thanked him and sat.

“How many months?” a middle-aged woman next to me asked as she pointed at my tummy.

“4 months,” I replied with a smile.

“4 months only? Wow! Your baby very big. I thought at least six months,” she exclaimed.

I gave out a soft little laugh.

What the heck! Six months? Seriously?

I am not kidding you. I just wish I could post a photo of my tummy here but yeah…

The baby is fatherless by the way. My baby bump is just babyless but with fats.

But I kinda like when people actually think it is a baby in my tummy instead of fats. I mean it is better for people to think I am expecting a child kan? I mean, of course, this does not apply to those who know me individually. Like I cant say that I am a carrying a six-month-old to my aunties and uncles. I don’t think I will be coming home for raya. OMG! I can’t imagine myself wearing baju raya with my tummy protruding out. Maybe dorang tak percaya pun if I say I gemuk. It also doesn’t help the fact that I love to rub my tummy. They could think that she dah jadi liar pergi overseas. No, I don’t want to be put into that situation. I will just celebrate raya in Newcastle. BOO HOO!!

It is not that I don’t want to lose weight but you know like I have reached the limit where I don’t care anymore because losing weight is an irreversible process for me now.

 

A Goondu Moment

“That will be a total of fifty dollars. You are paying by…?”

“NETS.”

I was finding the machine to insert my dad’s NETS card when the woman behind the counter had her palm facing upwards.

“Apa dia ni nak? Oh, I have to give the card to her is it? Oh sini lain eh? In Newcastle, we insert the card ourselves.”

I gave the card to her.

She inserted the card into the machine.

“Oh, the machine was with her.”

I was waiting for her to hand over the machine to me when she asked,

“Your pin number?”

“Huh? I kena tell her the pin number ke? But ayah always cakap not to tell anyone the pin number. Give me the machinelah.”

I looked at her. She was still holding the machine.

“Ape ni? Tak fahamlah.”

I was dithering whether to tell the woman when she looked up at me, waiting for my response.

“56…78..” I said.

“NO! NO! Type the pin number on the machine.”

“Huh? Abih macam mana nak type if you pegang the machine?”

She pointed at the machine hidden among the small potted plants.

I almost swore at myself while typing out the pin number.

“OMG! STUPID ME! THE MACHINE WAS THERE! MALUNYAAA!”

I told my mum about that stupid moment.

“Goondu! Even if it is hidden, you cannot tell people your PIN number! How did you EVEN manage to survive in Newcastle?”

Up until now, I have yet to find the answer.

 

Part 3 of Glimpse of Motherhood

“SHUT IS THAT HER? WAIT IS SHE LOOKING AT ME? WHAT THE HECK! LOOK AWAY!”

It was that same woman.

“Ya Allah, don’t come to me please.”

I just stared at the screen in front of me avoiding her stares.

But from the corner of my eyes, I could not find her other friend. It was just her and her two children.

“Wait, oh now I get it. Dia orang baiklah. The woman yang tahu cakap english tu suruh me to like help her masuk the plane cos she tak boleh cakap english.”

“OKAY. NOW IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE.”

If she is really orang jahat, she would have approached me and hurt me or something.

“ALHAMDULLILAH.”

My nerves had calmed down until (major fast forward) I saw my mum’s face at the airport.

We took a taxi back home. Throughout the whole journey, she reprimanded me, oblivious to the fact that an uncle was driving the taxi.

“Cakap melayu nati dia faham.” I told my mum when she scolded me in English.

“Oh tahu malu!” my mum replied.

“How could you be so dumb? I have taught you countless times not to talk to strangers.”

“Why are you so mad? I am here now, alive.”

“You can still ask me why I am furious? Ayah lagi marah tau. Just wait until he balik kerja.”

OH NO!

Part 2 of Glimpse of Motherhood

I waited and waited. My legs started to tremble. I was still next to the incessantly crying baby girl. A staff pitied the girl and gave me serviettes to wipe her tears.

“What kind of a mother is she? Leaving her daughter crying just like that,” I bet she was saying that.

I took the serviettes and I tried to wipe her tears carefully like REALLY carefully. I was so scared that I would peel her skin off while wiping her tears. You guys might think I am exaggerating but I AM NOT! I MEAN SHE IS A BABY SO HER SKIN MUST BE SUPER SMOOTH AND SENSITIVE…RIGHT IDK MAN! I AM NOT A MOTHER! ARGHHH!

“Why she give me the serviettes je? Might as well help me wipe her tears. I don’t know how to do this man? What if I wiped with too much force and later get sued by her mother? NOOO! Ya Allah help me get out from this sticky situation.”

My attempts to wipe off her tears were futile as she would just not stop crying.

“Dahlah tu tak penat ke? Where is your mummy? Seriously, if she doesn’t come and pick you up in five minutes time, I will leave you alone here.”

“HUEKKK!” she cried.

“Dia ni faham ke what I had just said?”

This is freaking annoying like hello guys I am still a BUDAK KECIK. How would I know how to deal with this situation? How could you leave your child to a stranger? I definitely won’t do that. Wait, I WILL NOT HAVE BABIES! I am too scared to have one now after babysitting this girl with I have no idea where her mother is. I felt like I have sinned the world. By the way, my mum was still checking on me.

“Dah pergi departure hall ke belum?”

“Belum. The mother still hasn’t come yet.”

“WHY ARE U STILL WITH THE BABY? IF YOU GET ARRESTED, YA ALLAH APA NAK JADI DENGAN ANAK IBU NI! NANTI YOU WILL ROT IN JAIL! YA ALLAH!”

“OMG I SHOULD HAVE NOT CALLED YOU.”

“WHY NOT?”

“CAUSE YOU ARE FREAKING ME OUT.”

I was picturing myself in behind the bars and I was like HELL NO!

“I REALLY LIKE FREAKING REALLY HAVE TO LEAVE NOW. I AM WAY MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE BABY!” I told myself.

I grabbed my bag, stood up and there I saw. The person that I had been wanting to see for ages. She approached me and I quickly said I had to go using sign language.

“NO!” She shook her head.

“OMG DIA NI BETUL BETUL ORANG JAHAT!”

“NO! NO! I HAVE TO GO!” I insisted.

I walked as fast as I could to the departure hall praying hard that she would not chase me.

I dared not to look back.

“OMG, this is DAMN SCARY!

After I boarded the plane, I looked around and heaved a sigh of immense relief. She was nowhere to be seen. I took out the headphones in front of my seat and started watching a new tv series when….

“SHUT!”

 

 

Cumi cumi

“Maybe he is your guardian angel?”

I raised my eyebrows.

“I always pray that there is a guy who can protect you in Newcastle.”

“You should have married me off first before I came to Newcastle.”

“Who wants to marry you?”

“IBUUUUU!!!” I screamed.

Anyway…

OMG! Have you guys watched this? I’m getting goosebumps all over my body. I can’t even watch without pausing it to calm myself down. What the heck?!

Nabila tak takut ke tengok Iqram. Kalau me, I would just leave the stage,

“Here u go Iqram, the stage is all yours!”

The cumi cumi part in her song is so catchy by the way.

A glimpse of motherhood

I wanna buy the blue butterfly duck scarf but it costs $100+. The nude butterfly bag looks awesome too.

Haizz! Financial struggles of a student.

I FINALLY SAW FALLING SNOW! I was so excited. I almost screamed looking at those beautiful white flakes.

Itulah jakun nampak snow.

I kinda regret not taking many pictures though.

Ok, I have sidetracked. What I will be mentioning now will be related to the title of this post.

“Havana oh na-na

Half of my heart is in havana oh na-na

He took me back to East Atlanta na-na-na

All of my heart is in Havana….”

I switched off the alarm.

“SHUT!! I HAVENT PACKED!!”

I took a bath and hurriedly packed my stuff into the luggage. As I was throwing all my notes, textbooks and files into the luggage, I muttered to myself,

“OMG I have only three hours left. Itulah suka buat things last minute.”

Called the cab and the next thing I knew I was having a small talk with the taxi driver. Annoying! I hate small talks. Like it is a waste of my breath. Reached the airport fifteen minutes later and found myself standing at the back of queue snaking around the corners of the airport. After what seemed like an eternity, I walked towards the counter and gave my passport. AND GUESS WHAT?

UPGRADES TO BUSINESS CLASS ARE AVAILABLE. PLEASE ASK FOR ASSISTANCE.

Those words on the counter desk were staring right at me. I could not believe it at first. I read it again.

“Eh boleh upgradelah!

Should I ask or not?

Mintaklah. sekali complimentary upgrade

Aniya kalau kena bayar, macam mana? I am running low in cash now.

They accept debit card or not?

Aniya kalau upgrade malu sey. Mesti jakun duduk kat business class

Alah tanyajelah

Eh tapi if i anyhow press button kat business class seat abih entah apa nanti keluar. Malulah.”

(I was talking to myself by the way.)

“Here are your tickets. Thank you.”

I took the tickets and wore a fake smile.

I swear it was one of the most regrettable episodes in my entire life.

I trudged towards Marks and Spencer with my heavy carry on bag while muttering to myself how stupid I was. What a good way to start off the day. As I was on my way to have a depressing breakfast, I saw two women in their thirties or early forties looking at me. One of them was carrying a baby while clutching a boy’s hand. I supposed they were her children. They approached me.

“Are you taking ABC airlines?” she asked.

I nodded. (Of course, there is no such thing as ABC airlines… I think? I don’t want to reveal which airline I’m taking just because.)

“3 o’clock?”

I nodded.

“Can she (pointing to the woman with kids) follow you? She cannot speak English. She also 1 o’clock.”

“Huh?”

She repeated the exact same thing.

The woman with kids did not give off the demeanour of an evil person. Besides, it will only take a while.

“Uhm okay.”

I think she said thanks. I can’t remember. Anyway, I wanted to eat at M n S but there were not enough seats for the four of us so I decided to take my breakfast at a cafe nearby. I took a seat. They sat with me. As I was about to stand up and tell the woman that I wanted to buy food, she said to me with sign language that she was going to buy food and asked me to look after the baby. I was like ok but

“I haven’t taken my breakfast and it is almost 2 in the afternoon.

DAMN!”

(Again, I was talking to myself.)

The baby girl sitting next to me was staring at me. I smiled hoping that she knew I wasn’t a bad person. I fear that she would cry so I touched her small hands and said

“Promise me you dont cry?”

She looked at me.

Silence means consent.

I took out my phone and whatsapped my parents telling them that I have checked in and….

“Waahhhhh waaahhhhh waaahhh” Sorry but I guess that is how you spell a baby crying. No?

I was like NO. Freaking NO.

I put away my phone and tried to calm her down.

Didn’t work.

I carried her in my arms but realised that I had no clue how to carry babies so I just made her stand on the seat.

“Waaahhhhh waaahhh!!!” she cried while looking at a a certain direction. I turned and saw a group of boys teasing her. I was like you freaking guys have nothing better to do is it?

She wailed again. At this moment, everyone in the cafe looked at me.

“She is not mine!” I wished I have shouted that.

I tried to pat her back.

Not working.

“Okay dont cry lets zikir together okay. La ilaha illallah. La ilaha illallah. La ilaha illallah.”

She looked at me and stopped wailing.

I heaved a sigh of immense relief.

I did it.

“I can be a mother now.”

I smiled to myself. I was so proud of myself until she started crying a few seconds later.

Noooooo!

I called my mum and explained the situation that I was stuck in and she went like

“Why did you say yes? Are you a fool? What if they are involved in a child prostitution syndicate? Or child kidnapping? Leave them now!”

That was so unexpected.

“No, they look like good people.”

“You’re making me mad now. I told you to be cautious in the airport. I told you if anyone wants to put their things in your bag because their luggage already exceed the weight, YOU SAY NO!

“Yeah, but you didnt say anything about babies.”

My father joined in.

“LEAVE THEM NOW!”

“Relax. I am sure it is nothing. How can I leave the baby here alone?”

“Wait, so you are alone with the baby? Where is the mother?”

“She said she wanted to buy food but she is taking too long.”

“See I told you confirm they are in a syndicate! Just go to the departure hall now.”

“But I..”

“NOW!!”

“Ok, I will call you back later.”

“No don’t put down the phone.”

I looked for the mother and I could hear my mum praying that I would be safe on the other line.

I was frantically searching for the mother and the other woman. Both were nowhere to be seen. The woman who could converse in English told me that she would be right back but

“Where is she?

Wait, did she tell me that she is coming back?

Duh! She said she needs to use the washroom.

Or did she?

URGHH!

I cant recall.

Maybe it was my imagination.

OMG!”

To be continued…

 

Living in denial

Guys, my winter clothes don’t fit me at all. And I am still in denial. Can you imagine winter clothes? What more the normal clothes? I cant zip my jeans that I just bought from sg about a month ago. Whats wrong with you annoying body?!!

“Do your job well, metabolism! You ain’t working hard enough man!!”

I don’t want to buy new clothes especially winter clothes. They are too costly.

Anyway, I have just finished watching girlfriend aku dari neraka.

Funny?

Kelakar Giler!

Seriously you guys should watch the series and the cerekarama when you are feeling down. Definitely brings back your lost soul. But don’t watch it at night. You will get too excited and cant sleep. And turn the volume down. Your eardrums may get hurt hearing Lydia scream. And Nelly, OMG! She is freaking annoying with her high-pitched voice and her fairytale land.

 

 

dUCk vs Naelofar

So I was scrolling on my insta feed and something caught my eyes yang tak berapa function sangat. It is 1000 degrees. Yeah, you have read it right. 1000 man. I have no idea what I did to get that kind of eyesight. So I am really dependent on my spectacles. My lifesaver. Those artificial eyes have been with me almost my entire being living on this earth. So warning to you guys out there. Don’t play with my specs. I hate it when people hide my specs like hello you think funny is it?

Anyway, I have digressed. As I was saying, I saw a post on insta. It was the duckscarves. OMG those duckscarves look so sophisticated, elegant and whatnot. Many of those who I follow on insta wear duck. So I really want to own one. So I was going through the price. I was aware that many said it is a little expensive so I had prepared myself for the worst scenario.

Take a deep breath and click duckscarves to find out how much they cost.

WHAT IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD?!

ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS?!!!

I could buy so many tudungs with only 1 duckscarf. I think that’s why I always just stick with naelofarhijab. I have been wearing naelofar hijab since I started to cover up. Yeah, it is also a little bit expensive as compared to many other tudungs in the market except for duck (obviously). But I think it is really good value for money. I love the design and that most of them are instant so it saves a lot of time (but it really tests my patience to iron them). And there are Swarovski crystals on the tudung. and you know what, I don’t have to handwash them. I have been chunking all my naelofar hijabs in the washing machine and dryer and when it came out, everything is still intact together. Even those crystals. But since it is a little bit pricey, I will only buy those designs that I love. I do not have all the collections since naelofar hijab started. Habis duit kalau macam gitu. Anyway, I am still deliberating whether to purchase the Singapore duck. Gonna wear it on Singapore’s National Day. I am so patriotic. But I cannot find any other occasions to wear it. In all likelihood, I am not going to buy that.

Anyway, last week I was climbing up the stairs to my class (it has been weeks since the lift is out of order pfft) and only then I realised how much of a dwarf I am. I was on the second level going to the third. A guy and a girl were talking and BOOM! Something hit hard on my head. The girl elbowed me in my head. I thought I was in WWE. I was upset but I just laughed it off. Did not want to make a big deal out of it but it was so obvious I was there. How could you not see me? Pfft, I am indeed a dwarf!